What We Can Learn from the BDSM Community
When you think of BDSM, what comes to mind? What feelings are brought up for you just by hearing the word? Do you get embarrassed, excited, shameful, angry? I invite you to take notice to whatever you are feeling and keep that in mind throughout the article to see how those feelings change.
Afterall, sexuality is the core of our being, and if we aren’t in touch with our sexuality, how can we truly be in touch with ourselves and our growth? This article isn’t to force you to go out and try BDSM, instead the point is to bring understanding and insight to why so many people enjoy it.
So, I welcome you to learn a quick background into BDSM, some common misconceptions, and the key values of the community. There is also a brief interview with Ireland Rose, who is an amazing model, influencer, and sex worker. I have also included several resources on this post as well, including videos, podcasts, and books.
Enjoy and keep reading below!
Bondage & Discipline
Bondage involves tying a partners limbs together using a restraint, such as rope, handcuffs, or chains. Bondange can mean total body restraint or restraint of a particular limb. Discipline involves the use of psychological or physical punishment, such as whipping, in order to get their partner to behave in a prescribed way.
Model: Ireland Rose, Photo by: Interwoven Images
Dominance & Submission
Dominance and submission involves power play, where there is giving and receiving control of one partner over another. The dom/me is in control of giving the submissive pleasure while abiding boundaries and consent. The submissive yields to the control of their dom/me, and is able to give cues if they want to stop or keep going. A switch is one who switches between dom/me and submissive roles.
Sadism & Masochism
Masochism means that one receives pleasure from being humiliated or hurt (which may or may not be sexual), whereas sadism is “taking pleasure in inflicting pain and/or humiliation upon others, or observing others being hurt” (Rekink).
Before going into the principles of BDSM, I want to cover some of the common misconceptions.
Some people think that those who engage in BDSM might have a mental illness and some of those people even think that it’s an excuse for people to abuse each other. Others may be completely open to the idea, while some might not even know how they feel about it, or really don’t know anything about it at all.
In all reality, BDSM is common and is tied to having a healthy sexuality, knowing what you like, and how to communicate that. Also, generally those who engage in BDSM are well-adjusted and well-educated (Williams, 2006).
You’ve probably heard of the movie franchise “50 Shades of Grey”. It was popular in America and brought BDSM to mainstream media. First and foremost, this book was a “Twilight” fanfiction. Secondly, it is NOT an accurate representation of BDSM.
Why 50 Shades of Grey isn’t an accurate representation of BDSM
I’m not gonna go to deep into detail about this (watch the videos below to learn more), however, it needs to be known that although “50 Shades of Grey” opened the world up to BDSM, it did not provide an accurate representation of what BDSM is, and could potentially lead to harm or trauma. This is not a good message for newcomers in the community!
In the movie, Christian Grey “introduces” the world of BDSM to Ana. She was uncomfortable with the idea, but was afraid of losing Christian Grey so she went with it anyway. There was no consent from Ana. While Christian Grey was a “dom,” he seriously lacked the concept that doms are supposed to be pleasing the submissive.
The submissive is supposed to be able to communicate if they want to stop or keep going. The dom controls the submissive’s pleasure, but the submissive really controls the dom. Christian Grey is abusing Ana, not pleasing her.
Check out this quick video to gain more insight on 50 Shade of Grey
If you have more time--
Review of Fifty Shades of Grey from a Dom and Submissive perspective
“I think the biggest misconception is that BDSM is a way for abusive people to abuse others, because people that aren't within the world of BDSM don't understand that everything is done with consent. They just see a person being whipped or tied up and they believe that BDSM is a secret way for, primarily men, to abuse women and to feel more powerful. Which couldn't be more wrong. Men AND women play dominant roles, everything done is done with consent. The submissive has all the power in all reality.”
- Ireland Rose, Model/Sex Worker/Influencer (Rest of the interview below!)
Photographer: Chris Blakely, kinkybricks.com
Communication & Consent
Due to the risks that can happen with BDSM, the community prizes communication and consent.
SAFE, SANE, CONSENSUAL - A PHILOSOPHY
Safe, sane, and consensual is the motto of the the BDSM community. All three components are heavily considered and discussed before engaging in play.
Photographer: Chris Blakely, Kinkybricks.com
Safe:
In order to minimize risk during play, safety concerns needs to be questioned.
Is the person you’re engaging in play with knowledgeable about the risks and safety concerns regarding the type of play?
Have important health matters been discussed?
Do you have safety items around in case of an emergency? (i.e. shears to cut bondage ropes)
Have they engaged in this type of play before?
Did you discuss safe words?
Safe words are used in the BDSM community in order to communicate when to stop and keep going. Why use safe words? In the heat of the moment, the word “stop” can take on a whole new meaning, so generally words that don’t associate with sex are used.
Red, yellow, green are very common safe words as they correspond with a traffic light system
Fruits are also common to use a safe words, such as pineapple or mango
Other fun safe words I found during my research are Oklahoma, Beetlejuice, and “Safe Word.”
Sane:
Are they in the right frame of mind?
Are they sober?
Because the BDSM community values consent and safety so much, it is very important that everyone engaging in play is sober and in the right frame of mind to give informed consent. Each person should be able to act responsibly and be able to make good judgement. If you can not control yourself, you should not engage in play.
Consensual:
Is everyone on the same page?
Have boundaries been discussed?
Did you agree on safe words?
A core tenant of the BDSM community is CONSENT. Each person partaking communicates what they are wanting out of the session and giving informed consent before they start. Consent always needs to be obtained prior to engaging in play. Why? Because when things are getting heated, your frame of mind can be altered, and our ability to make conscious decisions becomes impaired. If consent is not obtained prior to play, the relationship can become damaged and can lead to an abusive dynamic (Keeping It Kinky).
Contracts are often used so that negotiations are put in writing and consent is recorded. This includes what each person’s boundaries are, what they want to happen during play, types of play they want to engage in, etc.
Going back to “50 Shades of Grey,” you see that Christian Grey gives Ana a contract to look over. However, she had no say in the contract other to agree or disagree with it. The submissive should be able to have some say of what goes in the contract, or help co-write the contract.
Here is a quick video explaining more on contracts:
Here is a longer video if you have more time:
Brief Interview with Ireland Rose
What can I say about Ireland Rose. We met a few years ago and she has been such a positive influence to have in my life. Ireland is a beautiful, smart, and kind person. She is an amazing model, sex worker, and influencer.
In the BDSM world she describes herself as a switch, but is primarily a dom. You can image why I was so excited to find out that she was happy to contribute to this article!
Ireland Rose, Photographer: Interwoven Images
How does BDSM play a role in your life?
“BDSM plays a role in my life in many ways. I use it when I film short adult films for the sex worker side of my business but I also utilize it in my personal sexual life. I also am a paid dominatrix, I have a few submissives but that is more private. So it is not only a form of business for me but also a release, a way for me to be myself and feel 100% authentic to who I am. BDSM has helped me get through a lot of the trauma I went through when I was a youth.”
How did you get your start in BDSM?
“I got my start at the age of 17, which at the time I never knew that a minor partaking in BDSM was taboo and ‘wrong’ but it was with a very trusted partner. I was naturally submissive but my first experience with this partner was more dominate and it was very freeing. However that relationship was short lived so my true step into this beautiful world was when I was 19. I met a photographer who does shibari work and shoots very erotic content. He tied me up and showed me many different forms of BDSM, taught me the rules and protected me from the bad side of BDSM. He really helped shape who I am today.”
What do you want the world to know about BDSM?
“I want the world to know that it isn't a negative thing. That things like ‘fifty shades of grey’ are toxic and not the true nature of how a BDSM relationship should work because if people use that as a guideline they will end up hurt or hurting someone. I want the world to know that it helps people get through trauma. It helped me grow from my assault, allowed me the room to be in control and take my power and body back. I am no longer weakened by what happened to me.”
Where can we find you on social media?
“I am mostly on Instagram and Twitter!”
My instagram is instagram.com/irelandrose.tv/
My Twitter is twitter.com/IrelandRoseTV
Now that you’ve learned about some of the key concepts of BDSM, hopefully you see the value of what this philosophy holds. Those who engage in BDSM know how to have conversations about their boundaries and needs. Each person participating in play is has enough self-awareness to see where the limits of their control lies and how far they are willing to be pushed. Each person makes an agreement to take care of each other and encourage exploration of pleasure.
Safe, sane, and consensual is a philosophy that should be translated into the average daily philosophy. If everyone had these concepts in mind, the confusion on what counts as consent in this modern world wouldn’t even be a problem.
Thanks for reading and keep scrolling down for more resources.
Jenn
Ready to Dig Deeper?
Podcasts:
https://www.iheart.com/podcast/stuff-mom-never-told-you-21123631/episode/bdsm-101-30231249/
https://sexgetsreal.com/ep127/
Videos:
Tour of a BDSM Dungeon
Tour of a BDSM House Dungeon
Liberation in Restraints
Shades of Kink: Pleasure From Pain
BDSM Bed & Breakfast
Getting into the BDSM Lifetyle
Safety & Aftercare
Books:
Websites:
http://www.consent.academy/
http://www.keepingitkinky.net/
https://bettersexed.org/2013/09/20/bdsm-basics/
References:
Safe, Sane, & Consensual. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.keepingitkinky.net/bdsm/kink-basics/consent/safe-sane-consensual/
BDSM and Kink Terminology: A to Z. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://rekink.com/terminology/glossary-of-kink-terminology-a-to-i/
Williams DJ. (2006). Different (painful!) strokes for different folks: a general overview of sexual sadomasochism (SM) and its diversity. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 13(4), 333–346.