The first thing I learned about sex (that I can remember) was that two people would lay together naked. I vividly remember my parents covering my eyes when sexual scenes would come on TV, which in turn would make me even more curious because I couldn’t watch. So, I would peek through their fingers as best as I could to see what I was missing.

As I keep thinking, I remember having naked Barbie and Ken dolls laying together, always being curious about genital anatomy, and would always read the sex-related articles in Cosmopolitan and Seventeen to satisfy my curiosity. I don’t remember having any official “talks” with parents other than the function of a period. I didn’t know a baby came out of the vaginal canal until I was ten, I didn’t know that a penis was inserted into a vagina until I was twelve, I didn’t even know what a Clitoris was until I was fourteen. I learned mostly through media, peers, and school. My school sex ed started in fifth grade with HIV prevention (at this point I still didn’t know what actual sex was) and showing us what menstrual pads looked like. In sixth grade, we saw slides of various STDS, sexually transmitted diseases (I think I learned what sex what through peers by this point). In freshman year, we revisited STDs, and the teacher put a condom on a student’s arm, and we learned about contraceptives. That was the extent of my public school sexuality lessons.

Source: Mean Girls — Source: *Mean Girls*

The lack in my sexual knowledge followed me until senior year of college when I took my first Human Sexuality class. I was mind-blown at everything I missed out on and felt almost angry at how much I didn’t know. I felt deprived in my standard education, and almost disgusted that so much was left out. The sexual education provided in most schools in the USA is abstinence-based-- meaning it really only covers STDs and how to not get pregnant. If it wasn’t for my natural curiosity as a child, I probably wouldn’t have known too much about sex until I took that college course.

After re-visiting my thoughts on how I gained my sexual education, I became curious about how others first discovered anything sex-related. I spent a week asking just about everyone I knew how they learned about sex or stumbled into the sexual world and with their permission, created this article.

I left all their responses untouched and left all uses of emojis and forms of laughter. Their responses are below. You might have shared similar experiences. Something to be transparent about is that I solicited these answers from mostly my social media friendlists, so not all experiences may be represented (TW: some responses contain sexual trauma):

Through Natural Curiosities:

“probably how to masturbate but that was definitely on accident lol”

“I remember hearing my parents once when I was really young which made me want to know more which started conversations with people my age which probably wasn’t the best place for info regarding that lmao”

“The very earliest thing I remember about sex is when I was 3, I took a shower with my Dad for the first, and very last time. And I saw the thing, and being so intrigued by it, so I would reach up and squish it, and he got piiiissed and would bat my hand away. But I wouldn’t stop. Shower ended and mom and dad had a congregation over it! Haha.”

“ the first thing i learned about sex was self taught! i was around 5 and experimented with the neighbor girl. We would do humping ‘choreography’ and sit in my closet and giggle saying ‘it tingles’ bahahaha so cute”

Abstinence-Based Education:

“Babies come from it, and to not have it until I was married.”

(After starting period, mom said this)... “You know this means you can get pregnant now, right?”

Open Communication with Family:

“My parents talked to me from a super early age about everything. They were honest and straightforward, and my entire family was extremely open about everything, all positive. There were convos on safe sex practices, masturbation, setting boundaries, even techniques lol. I appreciate it now for sure.”

“I was 6 or 7 and started to develop so my parents decided to have the talk with me. My mom explained everything pretty black and white and was very straightforward about everything. She explained how babies were made and everything was purely factual. I don’t remember her telling me not to talk to other kids about it, but I think I subconsciously knew not to?”

“My mom showing me how a tampon works when I was quite young. Also I was a quick child, so I learned fast. Around 6 my aunt (with a medical background) gave me a thorough lesson of anat and phys. My parents discussed the other concepts (socially and relationally). Then my entire family was just always open about sex, and I just had a lot of positive experiences hearing about it as a child. Everyone was open and had discussions regarding communication with sex, how to set boundaries, what might help with things, birth control, etc. I’ve been blessed with my experiences, honestly, and it’s why I’m so open about anything sex.”

“I was 7 or 8 and my mom was pregnant with my little brother. I asked her how he got in there and she told me. Everything. We went to the library and got books and educational videos about pregnancy and sex. Then I was supposed to cut my little brothers cord but watching him come out of my mom was traumatizing and I felt sick. 😂”

“I grew up on a cow farm. I feel like farm life gives you insight from an incredibly tender age. I don’t think I ever had to be told about it I just knew. Could walk outside to feed up or just look out and see the sunrise and see the bull doing his job. And like most things it’s translatable to humans. I was five when my mom showed me the video of my brothers live birth.”

Stumbling Across Media: (TV, books, magazines, etc…)

“I came across real sex on hbo and they talked about it and I watched all the all about sex stuff and learned stuff but didn’t fully understand? I just found it very arousing.”

“One time in second grade, I asked my mom what sex was on the ride home from school. She said, "It's when people who love each other touch the most private parts of each other's bodies. I don't know if I want to explain it in any more detail than that." I was like, "Yeah, I'm good on that.” Later that year, we watched a Discovery Channel program about cephalopods, and it portrayed some squids having penetrative sex. I walked around the playground all afternoon, cycling through what this information meant, in light my 3 siblings' existence. It was some time before I could look at my parents without thinking about the fact that they had sex, and also about squids. I was a weird, quiet kid anyway, so they didn't notice. They thought I learned in sixth grade. Ha”

“I remember being shown the National Geographic special about pregnancy from the 80s (relax, it WAS the 80s) and one of those bog standard "Holy shit your body is changing kid, RUN!" books. Looking back on it, I decidedly uncurious about it for the longest time. Huh.”

“My family was hardcore Christian so they didnt teach me anything, they just said what the bible said which was basically that I didn't have to worry about it until I was married. I figured everything out on my own which meant I ended up being years behind most people. When I eventually discovered porn/masturbation in like 5th grade they found out and made me go to counseling sessions with our church's pastor. If I hadn't found my cousins hustler magazines in my grandparent's garage it probably would have taken even longer”

“ I remember reading college books on sexuality around 5 or 6. I've always had a head start on sexuality and have tried to make sure I could share this information with others. My first sexual feeling was my music teacher in 3rd grade. He was just hot to me and I noticed his crotch a lot growing up. It's weird but it's my life. Hahaha”

“I read everything I could get my hands on and when I ran out of books I would sneak my mom's harlequin romance novels😂 I would say I was 7 or 8?”

“I stumbled across a copy of the book titled Go Ask Alice when I was in the 4th grade. It's a diary of a girl fighting drug addiction and living on the streets, there are some pretty sexually explicit passages.”

“My parents never had a talk with me, and my schools were pretty much like "if you have sex your penis falls off" type sex ed. The first time I ever learned that naked girls were cool was when I was doing a report on Martin Luther King and on the internet (AOL days lmao). I was maybe 8 and tried to type in "MartinLutherKing.com" which brought me to a porn site. My mom saw me on it right away and legit grounded me on the spot for two weeks when I didn’t even know what I was looking at. Never talked to me about it. I went into my first sexual experience completely in the dark and with no safety, didn't know what I was doing, and even asked my dad about it. His response was "as long as you make her come" (which has been the only thing he has ever said to me about sex). Kind of rough lmao”

“First thing I learned about sex I was really little. I must’ve been around 5 years old when I saw a book in my moms book dresser of like old tantric drawings. I then remember seeing photos of a penis going into a vagina from like old film camera pics because I had irresponsible parents lmao but it wasn’t my parents it was their friends. I also started masturbating superrrrr young! Probably like 6 years old.”

Traumatic Experiences:

“Unfortunately I was 5, when I was molested by a family friend.”

“I was abused and the first thing I learned was that sex hurt and wasn't my choice.”

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT SEX

Starting conversations at an earlier age is beneficial for children to build a better relationship with their bodies, learn what to say yes to, and what to say no to.

Even starting out with small conversations about how to set boundaries and clarifying consent is critical for building a foundation of positive sexual wellbeing. Even just giving your child ownership over their own body will set them up for success! How long did it take you to finally be comfortable with telling that creepy guy at the bar to get lost? Or, maybe you still have a hard time with people physically touching you and don’t know what to say when it happens.

When you introduce your child to a person they haven’t met before (like a long distance family member), do you force your child to hug them? If you do, you might want to think about how your child isn’t given an option to have control over their own body. They don’t have the option to say no in this instance. They’re just doing it because you said so.

When children grow up with a mindset similar to this, what else do they learn to say “yes” to when they don’t want to? Bad relationships, poor communication, impacted boundary settings, forced situations, unwelcome physical touching, ambiguity … the list goes on.

Do you find having conversations about sex with your child to be awkward? The earlier you start the conversation, the less awkward it will be. We start talking to children right away about other body parts and their functions and those become easier to talk about as the child ages. So, why can’t we use the correct names and descriptions of our sexual anatomy? Every child knows where their stomach is, but can they point out their clitoris? What about their prepuce, hymen, or corona? What about the function of the clitoris? Do they know that the clitoris is the only part that functions purely for pleasure?

The more often you talk about these topics, the more your child will be receptive to listening. It’ll be less awkward, less shaming, and less icky. If you show that you aren’t ashamed to talk about it and talk about it often, then your child will pick up that signal of openness. Once you develop their foundation of sexual body parts and response knowledge, it’ll be much easier to talk about the not so fun stuff when the time comes, like STDs, sexual abuse, contraceptives, etc. Afterall, the adult in the child’s life is their biggest influence! We shouldn’t be waiting until our kids take a college human sexuality class for them to learn their bodies. How are we supposed to know ourselves without knowing anything about sexuality.

Here are some statistics about adolescents regarding sex:

Adolescents ages 15-24 account for nearly half of the 20 million new cases of STDs each year (Center for Disease Control)
Today, two in five sexually active teen girls have had an STD that can cause infertility and even death (US Department of Health and Human Services)
Young women’s bodies are biologically more prone to STDs (Center for Disease Control)
Teen females aged 15-19, 42% reported having ever had sex; among teen males, the percent was 44% (National Center for Health Statistics via Planned Parenthood)
In 2011–2013, more than 80% of adolescents aged 15–19 had received formal instruction about STDs, HIV and AIDS or how to say no to sex. In contrast, only 55% of young men and 60% of young women had received formal instruction about methods of birth control (Guttmacher Institute)
Research finds that programs that promote abstinence until marriage while withholding information about contraceptive methods do not stop or even delay sex. Moreover, abstinence-only-until-marriage programs can actually place young people at increased risk of pregnancy and STIs (Guttmacher Institute)